


Haunting Me

by DragonWhiskers



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, life is not fair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-28 05:01:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6315808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonWhiskers/pseuds/DragonWhiskers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Cause I've done some things that I can't speak and I've tried to wash you away but you just won't leave<br/>So won't you take a breath and dive in deep. 'Cause I came here so you'd come for me</p><p>I'm begging you to keep on haunting. I know you're gonna keep on haunting me</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Haunting Me

**Author's Note:**

> Song fic based on Halsey's Haunting Me. It just struck me as a good POV for Rey trying to deal with the Bond between her and Ren.

Rey had traveled to Takodana, thinking that if she returned to place where she’d first saw him, maybe she could start to sort out and understand what was going on in her head. She knew it had something to do with Ren – just what that was, Rey wasn’t sure or even willing to admit to herself, but she still came anyway.

Alone in the forest outside of Maz’s destroyed and deserted castle, Rey searched for the same spot where she had first laid eyes on the man called Kylo Ren.

Before he’d come into her life, she could remember solitude – to be alone in her own head – to know her memories and mind were hers and hers alone, but now it felt like he was haunting her very steps.

“What have you done to me?” She asked out loud, envisioning his looming figure, a shadow behind her eyes, as he had stalked through these trees, these boulders. “Why are you in my head all the time?” She couldn’t shake the feeling of his presences – it was the new constant, this ever-present ghost inside her head. It made her skin run cold as she felt him shift and move just under her conciseness.  

“Even when I try to push you out – Gods, Finn, I’m so sorry,” Rey hung her head, hiding her face in her hands, trying to hide her shame. She tried hiding from the hurt she’d seen in her friend’s eyes when she’d pulled away from him after leading him on like that, after getting him to kiss her. He was so different from Ren and he was her first true friend, she trusted him. Rey had hoped that would be enough to drown Ren out of her mind, but when she’d looked into Finn’s eyes, all she had seen had been Ren’s intense gaze staring back at her.

Rey leaned her back against the cool rockface, hugging herself, her eyes closed. She felt so ashamed for feeling this way about the man that was her enemy, but images of Ren filled her mind, his hair blowing wildly around his face with parts sticking to his sweat soaked skin. His eyes, looking for all the world, black and endless, as he had burned his gaze into her. His imposing size, that impossibly large intimidating body with his stiff posture, that both scared and pulled at her. The timbre of his voice, so at odds with the dark persona he tried so hard to affect.

She knew she shouldn’t feel this way, should be able to ignore the desire for him. Why was she so drawn to him? Why was he haunting her?

Did he feel the same way? Did he think about her during the small hours of the night? Did he awaken, grasping at the fleeting images, images she saw so often before she opened her eyes?

“Damn it, Kylo! Why can’t I hate you?” Rey yelled, feeling her throat constrict and her eyes burn, “I know I should hate you,” she whispered squeezing her eyes shut, feeling the tears slip down her cheeks, “But I can’t,” she told the forest around her.

“I know –“

Rey jumped, looking up in shock to find the very vestige of her vexation, standing but a few meters away.

“You – You?” she gaped at him, was he really here? Was she imagining this? He stood so tall, so stoic, but she could tell it was an act. He was without his mask and she could see his façade was starting to crack, just like hers was. She felt his presence, it was nearly overwhelming in her mind.

“I told you, I felt it too,” he said as he approached her, palms up, open and empty. His movements were slow and deliberate, as if he was expecting her to flee like some small animal before a predator. She wasn’t prey, Rey thought, she stood her ground.

“You’re really here? You came here because…?” she asked, still hugging herself as she watched him come closer. She was holding herself in place. She may not be helpless, but he did things to her, the conflict his nearness created in her was difficult to contain.

“I came because I felt you. I just…knew where you were going and I knew I needed to be here too,” he kept his voice low and soft, but the feeling she was getting her in mind, he was broken and he was afraid, his fear of rejection and denial was palatable.  

Rey watched him stop no more than a handspan away from her, only then did she finally register he wasn’t wearing his gloves. She stared at his hands. Ren tentatively reached up and touched her face. Rey sighed as his fingers brushed her skin and she leaned her face into his palm. She could feel the same sense of confusion, anxiety and relief just under his skin. His hand felt fever hot to her.

“What is this?” she asked keeping her voice soft as well.

“A Bond, I believe. So, no, you’re not going insane. I’m really in your head – as much as you are in mine,” Rey looked up to see his eyes soften as she held his gaze. Those eyes were just as she remembered them, though the scar running between them was something she had not considered. It surprised her that it didn’t detract from his unusual appearance. He was still breathtaking.

“What are we going to do?” She tried to keep her voice from sounding hopeless, but she failed. She was Resistance, training to be a Jedi. He was leader of the Knights of Ren and a commander in the First Order. This wasn’t some fairytale with some happily ever after waiting for them.

They were enemies, she thought.

“Do we have to be?” he asked almost too softly for her to hear him, “Will you come with me?”

“No sooner than you’d come with me,” she said just as quietly.

Rey closed her eyes, letting more tears fall. Feeling them wet his hand as he held her face. She could feel them slicing his heart as he watched them slide down her face.

“I can try and stay out of your mind – let you have some privacy in your life. For both of us,” the sound of his voice was full of suffering, the offer, it was a sacrifice, they both knew- they both felt it.

Hey eyes snapped open and she gripped his hand on to her cheek to keep him from pulling away, “Don’t you dare!” Rey growled out, “If this is the only way for us to be with each other, then don’t you dare withdraw from me!”

Ren just stared at her in stunned silence.

“I’ve been alone almost all of my life! To finally have someone I know will never leave me – Oh, don’t you dare stop haunting me,” she glared up at him.

Rey felt him shift them, stepping closer to her, bring the line of his body up against hers. He was staring down at her in disbelief. He brought his other hand up to cradle her face.

“You re-really don’t want me to go?” His voice shook a little, he paused and licked his lips, “to leave you alone?” his eyes were searching hers. Rey felt him searching her mind as well. He was being very gentle about it, but Rey had reached her limit. She reached up and gripped his cowl in her fists, pulling his head down the rest of the way to mash her lips against his.

After his shock was pushed aside Ren began to return the rough kiss with the same intensity she was using.

Rey pulled back, gasping for air, looking into the bottomless black of his eyes, only inches from hers, “I mean it, keep haunting me,” and she slanted her mouth against his again.  


	2. Perfect Drug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got my head but my head is unraveling, can’t keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling.  
> I got my heart but my heart's no good, you're the only one that's understood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the other half of the song fic from Kylo's POV. Perfect Drug by Nine Inch Nails. If you haven't heard this song, you need to remedy that. ;)

The table was cold.

The recycled air had a metallic taste to it, or was that just the blood in his mouth? He could feel the medical droids stitching him back together, pumping his system full of drugs, pain killers. They could fix his body but they couldn’t fix the real damage.

His head. They couldn’t fix the damage in his mind.

 _Rey_.

He could feel her grief over his father’s death. He could feel her worry over the traitor’s prone form. Feel her holding his hand, telling him he’d be ok, _just please stay with me_. Kylo silently wished she was at his side, clutching his hand, saying these things to him instead of this cold room and these unfeeling droids, or worse, the white-hot hatred he could feel radiating off of General Hux somewhere nearby on the shuttle.

He tried to let the drugs suck him under into oblivion, but they only lulled the pain into a dull ache. He knew he should embrace the pain, use it to fuel himself, but he just felt so weak, so broken. His heart felt heavy and slow in his chest. The pain was worse there, even though he had not sustained any injury near his heart. Kylo reached out to the Dark side, wanting to wrap it around himself and cut himself away from _feeling_ , but instead of the darkness, Kylo felt her, _Rey_. She was there, stronger then every, radiating her blinding light. Kylo shuttered when he realized he could feel her so clearly, as if she were standing there in the room. He closed his eyes and just let himself sink into her, let her light and power wash over him and it was better than anything the medical droids could have given him.

She was his perfect drug.

 

***

_Takodana._

The image of the planet’s forests, of the tumble down, wreck of a castle, of where he first saw her, was plaguing his every waking moment.

After months of living with the ghost of Rey in his head and heart, he knew where she was going. She was so intent in reaching the planet, Kylo didn’t even stop to think about what it might mean. He knew he had to be there when she arrived. His hands shook as he watched the bay doors close and his shuttle left the star cruiser hanger bay. He stomach was in knots at the idea of seeing her face to face again. He had been following her feelings, and sometimes thoughts, as she drifted in and out of his conciseness. He’d get flashes of her emotions, joy, sorrow, anger.

She was intoxicating.

He felt like he could just let his mind slip away and live inside her forever. Just let her become his only outlet to what was real in the universe. He’d seen suns extinguished and felt distant stars explode, but nothing compared to feeling _her feelings_ inside himself.

He knew the more he tried to burrow into her, the more he’d lose what very little was left that he felt was truly him. He needed to see her.

***

Watching her move, listening to her confessions to the forest, Kylo wanted to speak to her. To offer her some kind of understanding. He understood that he was driving her insane, while she was helping him to feel alive again, giving him some reason to stay alive. The knowledge weighed more painfully on him then if she’d driven his grandfather’s saber through his own heart.

“Damn it, Kylo! Why can’t I hate you?” Rey yelled.

His heart skipped a beat at the sound of his name as he stood a little ways off, watching her struggle to understand what was going on.

“I know I should hate you,” he barely heard her whisper, but could clearly see the shine on her face of what could only be tears, “But I can’t,” she said so softly, not knowing he was there to hear her confessions.

“I know-“ he started, but stopped when she jumped, eyes flying open to see him.

“You – You?” she gaped at him.

“I told you, I felt it too,” he explained, holding his empty hands up to show he meant no harm. She was so lovely, so scared, all he wanted to do was hold her, but he knew she would not allow that. He tried to be content with just seeing her, talking to her.

“You’re really here? You came here because…?” Rey asked and Kylo noted how she was holding herself in place, trying to hold onto her control. Kylo could feel the turmoil in her head, it mirrored what was going on in him. She was permeating his ever breathe with her feelings and her light.

“I came because I felt you. I just…knew where you were going and I knew I needed to be here too,” Kylo felt like he had already lost again. She was scared, ready to run if he moved too fast or said something wrong. He was going to lose her again, but he continued to approach her, hoping that maybe he was wrong.  

When he was close enough to reach out and touch her, he couldn’t stop himself from trying to brush away the tears he’d seen. He slowly reached out and touched her face, feeling her skin for the first time. The light flared between them and he never wanted to leave it. He needed it now, it was what was keeping him alive, feeling. Part of him knew it was selfish to want to be with her, to want to keep her light in his life, but he was addicted now, and could freely admit that to himself, if not to her yet.

“What is this?” she asked, her voice soft.

“A Bond, I believe. So, no, you’re not going insane. I’m really in your head – as much as you are in mine,” Kylo didn’t want to lie, he wanted her to understand this was something the Force had created between them, this was something special and he cherished it.

“What are we going to do?” Rey sounding hopeless when she asked that, but her face was still pressed in the palm of his hand. He could still feel her in his mind. _They were enemies_ , her thought came across clearly to him.

“Do we have to be?” he asked before he could even think, “Will you come with me?” he pleaded with his eyes for her to consider it.

“No sooner than you’d come with me,”

His heart broke as he watched her tears start again. He could feel them wetting his hand and her cheek as they traveled down her perfect face. Watching her cry was the most painful thing he had every endured.

“I can try and stay out of your mind – let you have some privacy in your life. For both of us,” Kylo realized he would do anything, _anything_ to stop her from crying, from hurting. He was starting to pull his hand away, while he still thought he would have the strength to walk away when he watched her eyes fly open and she grabbed his hand.

“Don’t you dare!” Rey growled out, “If this is the only way for us to be with each other, then don’t you dare withdraw from me!”

Kylo was too stunned to move or to say anything. He just stared into her beautiful wild eyes and felt himself falling, though his feet were still firmly on the ground.

 “I’ve been alone almost all of my life! To finally have someone I know will never leave me – Oh, don’t you dare stop haunting me,” Her eyes were fiery, and he dared to hope.

He stepped closer, bring his body up next to hers. Kylo could feel her heart beating in the back of his mind, he could feel her breath speed up and was trying to see if she really understood what she was asking of him. He lifted his other hand to cup her face, searching her eyes and mind to see if she really did mean for him to stay apart of her.

“You re-really don’t want me to go?” His throat was parched and he licked his dry lips, “to leave you alone?” Kylo was still uncertain if she meant it, when she jerked his cowl and yanked his mouth down to into a rough kiss.

His whole being froze, his mind doing a summersault trying to catch up with what his body was feeling. She was kissing him, Rey was kissing him and he was just standing there. _Stop thinking about it you idiot._ He told himself and he released all of his pent up passion and repressed feelings for her.

Panting Rey pulled back from him, “I mean it, keep haunting me,” she told him, before moving back to kiss him more. Kylo couldn’t believe she was asking this, doing this! He couldn’t let this end here, couldn’t let this kiss be the only thing between them. She was his air, his heart, his blood. She was his entirety now.

He moved his hands down to her waist and pushed her against the cool rockface behind them. She gasped against his mouth when her body touch the stone. He didn’t think about it, he just used that gasp for the opening it was and pushed his tongue into her, tasting her for the first time. He groaned as she made his knees weak and his mind shake. Kylo gripped her smaller body under her thighs, lifting her up to straddle his waist as he pushed them harder against the boulder for support. He felt her wrap her legs around him and he couldn’t think at all. The angle was perfect and he ground his hardness into the valley between her legs. They both broke the kiss to moan at the shared contact.

“Oh, Rey, Rey, Rey,” he prayed as he continued to grind into her, listening to her sweet voice cry and gasp. Her fingers wound into his hair, nails scrapped his scalp as she dragged his mouth back to hers for another soul searing kiss. He couldn’t swallow the sounds she was forcing from him. She was everywhere. In his mind, urging him on, in his mouth, stroking her tongue along his, in his hands and her wonderfully beautiful body, wanting to hold him inside of it. The thought of her wanting him inside herself, of the images she was projecting in to him, Kylo thought he was going to cum right then as he gave a hard thrust before setting her down on her feet to help her yank her rough leggings down and off her legs.

She stepped out of her trappings while attacking his own at the same time. He was beginning to think he had to be dreaming. She was so frantic, so hot, so rough, Kylo was in a frenzy keeping up with her demands. She was perfect, perfect in her lust, in her hunger. He was panting by the time she’d pulled his length free and he was more than happy to lift her back up so he could shove her back against the rock behind her. His body was screaming at him to bury himself inside her, to feel her from the inside. To sink in to her and for them to become one.

“Yesssss,” she hissed as he rubbed over her slick lips, but he hissed when she snaked her hand down to help guide him to her opening. With a few more grunts and moans Kylo began to push his way inside her. He ground his teeth, trying to keep even pressure and control some of this, but Rey reached up and pulled his head back down to hers, pulling his tongue into her mouth, sucking it hard and fast, her fingers gripping his hair so hard it hurt. Kylo lost all his sense of restraint and drove into her with abandon.

He pounded into her as if he was trying to push her body through the rockface, as if he was trying to move the boulder with their bodies. He couldn’t feel anything except her. She was everywhere, inside his mind, beating with his heart, in his blood, she was all he was breathing, thinking of, tasting. Kylo couldn’t get enough. Even pushing his body till he felt the end of hers wasn’t close enough. He opened his mind wide, feeling like he was falling into her.

_Rey._

He could feel what she was feeling, his skin echoed with her sensations. He could feel both her pleasure and his at the same time, knowing she was experiencing his as well. He made a quick shift of her weight in his hands, angling her hips just a bit and he saw stars explode inside their heads. There, that was the spot, again and again he pulled out and pushed back in to run his body against the exquisite spot till the pleasure built to something that was close to pain. He would have sworn he heard some loud beat of drums as their hearts beat in a rapped rising tempo. He tighten his grip on her ass till he felt his fingernails bite into her skin and she came with a strangled scream as he also added to her pleasure, feeling himself violently shoved off the same cliff. He felt his seed scalding hot inside her, as he strokes slowed and he twitched and shivered with aftershock still locked within her body and arms.

She was shivering and panting, pressing her mouth to the cloth at his shoulder. He could feel her teeth set in the fabric, muffing her whimpers as she tried to ease her legs from around his waist. Kylo needed to set her down, but found he didn’t want to let go, not now, not ever. As their breathing slowed and their hearts began to in rhythm he looked down and pressed his forehead to hers.

“Take me with you,” he whispered, his eyes closed, his voice soft and full of emotions he was afraid to name. “Without you, I'll fall apart, everything falls apart,” He looked down to see her eyes, wide at first, but then she looked understanding, soft even. There might have been a faint glow about her then.

“It wouldn’t be much fun without you to help me pick up the pieces,” he knew he sounded young and fragile, but that’s how he felt. Rey smiled and placed a hand softly on his face, her thumb caressing over the scar she had giving him. He leaned down to kiss her, unable to take the soft gentle expression in her eyes. He had to be with her, she just had to take him with her.

“Please, take me with you,”

“Yes,” She smiled at him and it felt like the sun to him, “I’ll help you pick up the pieces and we’ll put you back together.”


End file.
